well i finally gave in and hadda get myself a live journal...this will prolly be boring and no one will prolly read it but lately i've needed a place to vent and the wall isnt helping me get thru anything. well i dun have too much to write about right now....and if i do have no words to express it so i guess i'll write something later..
Since then I like to think that I've matured quite a bit--at the least I've moved on from internet-speak to a full use of the English language. I kept this log for over two years, leaving it only for another LiveJournal account which followed me (pretty actively) through my junior year of college, and then less frequently into my senior year. Towards the end I used it solely to complain about my thesis, brag about my cooking skills, and post pictures of pretty things that I wanted. Either way, this one started out quite differently than the first:
bonjour.
i needed to start new with everything including my livejournal.
welcometome
hopeyouenjoytheride
I had clearly moved into the field of correct spelling and grammar, but still refused to completely conform to: punctuation, spacing, and any sort of consistent language use. Through the middle of this account I started keeping an additional log of thoughts that I didn't share with the internet; I kept a simple text document of quickly-typed diary entries, which I wrote in when I was too worked up to write short blurbs in my physical (dare I say analog) sketchbook--which is mostly words, as I cannot draw or paint. (This document currently resides in a "random" file, piled in with "School Work," and hastily named "running log.")
Wait, wait, wait. Let me say first that it is terrifyingly strange to realize that computers really do have a better memory that humans; I checked the timestamps of this file, and another with an identical name, and they don't even remotely match what my brain told me...
Secrets have been kept from me that I forgot I was keeping--here's a brief gem of teenage angst and disappointment:
from August 2005, I was just going into my senior year of high school:
for the first time in forever i'm comfortable with me. but it scares me to death to think that i could lose even that at the drop of a hat.
being back in glen cove and sliding back into the same old routines is making me realize that if i don't hold on tight to these last remaining threads of what i've stitched together this summer theyre going to fall apart and forget they were every held close to one another. i feel like im searching for some universal glue that will gloss over everything and make it last forever. never fading. never wearing. never faltering. never breaking.
and from September 2006, I had just started college and was wrestling with feelings of love for a close friend:
and it's back to normal. as if we never happened. as if it were this time last year where we'd see movies and hang out and nothing would come of it. right when i was comfortable enough to like him (unfortunately love this time around) he's gone.
This later document only follows my emotionally-trying romantic attempts of freshman year, but for some reason I remember it in a different light...It's times like these where I realize, again, that the brain is truly a weird place.
But what does any of this, really any of this, have to do with who I am now? I exist as these words stored in my computer and still posted on the internet, never to be truly erased and never to be revisited, except by me every few months for a false sense of nostalgia for some former imprint of my younger self. Who am I now? Clearly none of these poorly-informed, emotionally-charged, self-important nerds...
Well now that I put it that way, of course I'm still all of these people--except that I'm not.
If I were to summarize, without citing any of my other existences--facebook, twitter, flickr, livejournal, myspace, carbonmade, jpg, last.fm, polyvore, or deviantart--I'm a 22 year old who wishes she had one more real summer left before facing prison guards in the "Legends of the Hidden Temple" of the publishing world. All I want to do is find the pieces of the Silver Monkey, but the first guard took my Pendant of Life; I still have a half left, and hopefully will find the other half along the way.
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